Tell Me Lies (Karaoke style!)

I’m back! I have out smarted the evil trickery of the Microsoft witches that turned my Hard disc into a mouse. So, where were we? I left you all in great anticipation of a karaoke extravanganza. Well, peoples of the world, the time is here. I hope you have flexed your vocal chords. The song is the most inappropriate karaoke song out there and without any guidance vocals I think this could very well beat the worst karaoke experience ever. Of course, you’re more than welcome to make your own vid of your brutally embarrassing performance and the worst performance will get a chance to win a recording session in my kitchudio (no expenses paid; bring your own beer for me… Fosters if it’s not too much trouble).

Computer says No

Perhaps Bill’s nerds were not amused with my serenade for Ms Dewey and decided to ruin my computer with some weird update. Perhaps it’s not a conspiracy and do we simply have to live with the simple and inconvenient truth that Microsoft sucks and can get away with it. In any case, my hard disc currently shows up as a mouse… Yup, that’s like saying the dog ate my home work. Unfortunately that makes it impossible for me to upload the lyrics of Tell Me Lies. I’m sorry. I know how much you were all looking forward to doing the karaoke thing. I’m afraid there’s a bill in my computer and once Bill says no, it’s no.

Tell Me Lies

Everyone wants to be lied to. At least I do like to be lied to. A lot of people tell me for instance that they think my blog is great and that they spend all Monday evening pressing F5. Yes, it’s Tuesday today, just making sure you’re paying attention.

A few years ago I wrote two songs at the same time (A lot of people tell me the songs are great, but then again, I like to be lied to.) Although both songs are similar in many ways, they are also different. The key difference is that one has been recorded and the other one hasn’t and I guess you – being all smart and intelligent – have figured out that “Tell Me Lies” is the one that got recorded. Don’t be fooled though, because Tell Me Lies is far from finished. For instance, the lyrics were never recorded, but I might just publish those next week so you can sing along yourself and I can tell you how wonderful you can sing (see anyone wants to be lied to and I’m happy to oblige).

Tell Me Lies is part two of our adventure in modern orchestra recording, because like last week’s song The New Prometheus, it’s a song for piano and orchestra, however the recording was made on completely different equipment. First, I used Cubase SX3 as the sequencer, second, I used Garritan Personal Orchestra (GPO). This is a sample library containing a full orchestra. GPO was the first low budget orchestra library. It was used a lot by students studying composition and it even teaches the musical nitwit the basics of what an orchestra can do. It has one major downside, which undoubtedly has to do with it’s great price. That is its not so great sound. The violins kinda sound like violins, especially when you drown them in reverb, but a clarinet sounds like somebody sitting down on the high register of a mellotron in a fuzzy looking You Tube video with crap sound; something like this. If that’s the sound you’re after, that’s great, but if you’re looking for a clarinet it’s not so great. Nonetheless, Garritan still managed to keep me up quite a few nights with Tell Me Lies as one of the results.

Next week more unfinished business. Stay tuned!

The New Prometheus

When logic was still welcome on the Windows platform, I took my first endeavor on the slippery slope of computer orchestration by loading my Vitious composer samples into Logic’s own EXS24 softsampler… As you can see, dear reader, I hold you in high esteem. As I’m sure you’ve read last week’s entry and are now an expert now on softsamplers and how they work. In case you’re a dumb f*&k, let me elaborate. A sample is a digital representation of sound. It can be anything from a fart and a drum loop, to single notes of an instrument (piano, guitar, you name it). Load the sample into a (soft)sampler (EXS24), which is a software program (nowadays anyway) and when you hook up a keyboard you can actually trigger those samples by playing a key on the keyboard. To finish the whole thing of you want to make a recording and you can do that on a sequencer (Logic). That will give you something like this:

In this song I stitched some decaying left over material together. I have to make a confession. I hate musicals (except the ones by Kander & Ebb). Why do I mention this here? Because I set out to compose one once… Please don’t be shocked… I had already made two attempts at rock operas when I decided to write a musical. I have another confession to make. I love zombie movies. So, it seemed logical to combine the two and write a horror musical called “the New Prometheus” to make the challenge at least slightly exciting. The classics among you will know this was the subtitle of Mary Shelley’s book Frankenstein and that was the topic of my musical. I decided to follow the original story (published anonymously in 1818 ) for the most part, with one exception. I turned the scientist’s (Viktor Frankenstein) friend Henry into a Henrietta, to create an interesting love triangle between hero Viktor (19th century nerd), his love affair with adopted sister Elisabeth and the jealous Henrietta. I wrote several treatments and hammered away on my Yamaha PSR 320 to write all the themes for the main characters.

When most of the music was finished and I started writing the lyrics, I finally abandoned the project. I still hated musicals, even if the main character was a limping patched together, grunting zombie. Also, I couldn’t figure out the dance moves for the Creature. The showstopper was the Monster losing one of his limbs in a 6/8 waltz and that – maybe – says it all. So I decided to patch two key themes together and turn it into this orchestra piece.

The opening theme is a variation on the Monster’s theme. The Monster is a very romantic character in the book, so I decided to write romantic and dramatic music for him. The aggressive part that follows is Viktor Frankenstein’s madness. You can see him digging up bodies in the rain and working away with thunder and lightning in the back, while the music pounds on. Then the romantic sequence returns which ends in a desperate cry of the Monster. This is again followed by Viktor’s madness.

Next week, I’ll be back with a different monster. Stay tuned!

Thank God it’s Monday!

Since we all love Mondays so much I have decided to start updating my blog on Mondays. So, from now on you can bring RSI upon yourselves by pushing F5 all Monday evening! The nice people of WordPress (the cuddly corporation that has created this cute blogging thingy, whatever you call it) have scraped their last pennies together to buy a few extra servers. So everybody is ready to handle the two people (hi mon! hi dad!) that check out my site. Knock yourselves out!

Fanfare for the common man

If you need some decent strings in your song you better pay for a fully equipped studio (Abbey Road is a few blocks from here!) and an 80 person orchestra (at least) to get a decent sound. Then you need a top notch producer and an engineer (the guy who’s in charge of the microphones, pushes the buttons and turns the little knobs on a mixing console). And even then you can end up with the famous, or should I say infamous Naxos sound… So, better not have any strings, just go for that eighties saw sound (retro is always good).

Since I have trouble taking other people’s advice, I sometimes venture into the funny (not haha, but peculiar) world of symphonic instruments. Since my allowance never allowed me to buy any real musicians (food and heating doesn’t come cheap these days), I always had to revert to software to do the trick. In the next three weeks I will play three pieces I wrote, each about a year apart and each for orchestra. All three pieces were produced with different software and it clearly shows the amazing developments software orchestras have been going through in the past couple of years.

Software orchestras

But first it’s time to explain to you what a software orchestra is and how it works. A software orchestra works the same as any synthesizer. You start with a softsampler. This is nothing more than a big hard disc that contains thousands of notes of all instruments possible in an orchestra. Each note can be played with a key on a keyboard, which makes the keyboard the second thing you need. Once you’ve hooked up the keyboard to the softsampler, you can select which part you want to play (violins, clarinet, timpani, you name it). Once this part is loaded, each note on your keyboard will represent a note played by the instrument. So, if you hit C4 on your keyboard, it will sound like a C on a violin / violin section (or any other instrument you selected).

Next you need a recording device. This is a so-called sequencer. Another software program that let’s you record music and subsequently layer it (ProTools, Cubase, Logic). So, in our example we can first record the first violin section, then the second violins, then the violas, etcetera until you have a full blown orchestra coming out of your speakers.

The major challenge for each software orchestra (usually called a sample library) is to create sounds that are as convincing as possible, so the listener won’t hear the difference between a real orchestra and software version. Especially in recent years various libraries have been very successful in doing this. In fact, most orchestral scores you hear in TV shows is created with software orchestras. Even in movies nowadays, a lot of orchestra music is no longer performed by an orchestra, but by one (wo)man and his/her computers. A trick that is more commonly used dubbing a software performance. The software orchestra is dubbed by only a few multi instrumentalists playing the same violin part several times and then switch instruments and do the same thing until most parts are a hybrid between the software performance and the actual performances.

And the results? Well, you still need deep pockets to pay for a full blown, convincing sounding software orchestra (and several computers to run it properly), but compared to a day in Abbey Road studios, it’s probably not a bad deal. The big changes, however, take place in the bottom end of the market (yup, that’s the part where I dwell). Affordable software orchestras (under a thousand pounds and prices are still dropping) have always sounded like a screeching cat caught in a washing machine. In the past two years or so, several dramatic changes have taken place and the orchestra is now truly for the masses and as anything that ends up in the unwashed hands of the masses, the orchestra will probably go down the drain, so the drain is where I will look forward to meeting you next week! Bring some earplugs, because we’re gonna put that cat in the washing machine. Oh, and don’t forget your wellingtons.

Have You Met Ms. Dewey (pt. 3)

As we discovered in the previous two posts Ms Dewey was a pretty funny (fair enough) viral marketing stunt by Microsoft to promote their own search engine, called Live. However, it apparently needs more than a hot, sassy chick of indeterminate race to lure people away from Google. You can imagine the desperation at MS HQ. If love doesn’t win them over what will?

Anyway, back to Have You Met Ms Dewey. It’s a short song (under 3 minutes) that exists in two versions. Version 1 features Ms Dewey herself (actually, I just recorded some audio snippets of the Ms Dewey website and synched them up with my recording). In Version 2 all the Ms Dewey audio samples have been replaced and some additional lyrics were added the complete the story. Excuse me for my vocals. I didn’t have time to process them properly, so they don’t find their place in the mix too well. Also, when you listen closely, you can hear me turning the lyric sheet (yeah, I know, I’m a lazy ass…).

Version 1

Version 2

For those who are curious to find the original samples, go to the website and keep reloading it a few times. One of the intros is the bridge. Also, try searching for “music” for the cowbell section. And while you’re at it I’m sure you’ll be able to come up with a few juvenile searches yourself.

A final note of interest on this song is that the bass is recorded with a Squier Precision Bass. The Dude bought a new bass guitar and when I was joyriding it, I ended up using it for this song.

Okay, that’s that for Ms Dewey. Next week something completely different. Stay tuned…

Have You Met Ms. Dewey (pt. 2)

Last week we saw how our drooling friend from Nerdistan ended up in the evil clutches of Ms Dewey; Bill Gates’ feeble attempt to lure the innocent websearcher to Microsoft’s live search. Howver, 18 months or so on and we have to conclude that hardly anyone’s is doing Ms Dewey. Microsoft’s boobs-over-brains tactic has failed.

Our friend from Nerdistan believes he will stand no chance in seducing the purring search kitten, so he decides to win her heart with a song. Hey, if it works for the Pied Piper of Hamlin, it’s worth giving a shot. To his own surprise Ms Dewey falls for his musical inclinations and even volunteers a contribution of her own.

Finally, the Nerdistanian sees Ms Dewey for who she really is. She’s just a geek banging out of key and out of pitch on a cowbell, pretending to be something she’s not.

… Cont’d

But she just got a drum stick
And she banged on it all night long

CHORUS

She was just a freak
Another dressed up geek
It was more than just hell to pay
There’s no chance in hell
This will turn out well
I’ll pack my bags and go my own way

Bye, bye Ms Dewey

CHORUS

Next week will be the final installment of our Ms Dewey marathon. Better dust of your speakers because you will hear Ms Dewey sing. But let me warn you. Even though her alter ego can perhaps strike the right chord (see below), Ms Dewey’s voice will make your wallpaper come crawling down.

Have You Met Ms. Dewey (pt. 1)

The characters in my songs are often mentally disturbed, slightly crazy, always pretty ignorant creatures with chicken poo for brains. You can understand that denying my material is autobiographical is sometimes difficult. Really, it isn’t!

Have You Met Ms. Dewey was written about a year and a half ago right about the time the male tech savvy peoples from Nerdistan discovered Ms Dewey’s corner on the world wide web. For those of you who aren’t from Nedistan, I’ll be happy to explain who (or better what) Ms Dewey is. Ms Dewey is a self obsessed, hot chick who finds pleasure in verbally abusing her sexually frustrated audience by commenting on their search strings. She’s Google with boobs and an attitude.

Ms Dewey, being viral and everything, was introduced to me by one of my colleagues and a song in her honor manifested itself the next time I picked up my guitar.

HAVE YOU MET MS DEWEY

I used to date a girl
Her name was Bob
Her smile concealed the fact
She was a slob
Too cute to handle
Too obnoxious to endure

Then a couple weeks ago
A friend of mine
Told me about this girl
He’d seen online
She’s hot as a sauna on fire
You have to meet her someday soon

The first time that I saw her
She was fixing a motor bike
My jaw dropped to my knees
It was like a lightning strike

HAVE YOU MET MS DEWEY?
I WANT TO MEET HER ALL THE TIME
HAVE YOU MET MS DEWEY?
I CANNOT GET HER OUTTA MY MIND

I knew one thing for sure
We’d intertwine
Like no one ever had
She would be mine
A minor detail to overcome
Was that she had no clue who I was

I bet she would see me standing
When I’d sing her a sensitive song

… More to come…

The title is of course a brilliant (cough) reference to Hart and Rodger’s “Have You Met Ms Jones”; the Thirties song from the musical “I’d rather Be Right”. Contrary to sweet Peggy Jones who needs money to get married, Ms Dewey has sold out to the big guns of the corporate establishment. In fact, she sold out to such an extent, that she’s not even real. She was made up by Microsoft. Remember MS-DOS. Yup, that’s where the MS in MicroSoft Dewey comes from. She’s a web crawling robot and she’s taking over the world!

The song is the completely not autobiographical story of how the anonymous main character of this song falls for her devilish charms. It begins with the main character telling us he had a relationship with a girl named Bob… In case you missed it, this is a subliminal message. It explains you – the listener – that Ms Dewey is Microsoft, because Bob is also Microsoft. Bob looked sweet, but was a highly obnoxious, inefficient, drooling little interface for Windows 95. A bit like Vista, but not as buggy.

The main character starts stalking Ms. Dewey (as many Nerdistanians undoubtedly have done) and even manages to win her heart… and that – he soon discovers – is more than he bargained for. The real question now is will he be able to get out of her well manicured, corporate clutches? Join us next week and the second part of the lyrics will be revealed…

Hit it, Baby!

Okay, I’m a day late. Let’s blame it on the weather and leave it at that. The weekend was not entirely spent wearing flip flops and inappropriate clothing though. I was also trying to elbow my way to that free spot of yard in Regent’s Park, so I could drink Fosters and belch Bob Dylan songs on some “drunk sod’s” guitar. Somehow, in my busy schedule, I managed to find time to play around with my new toy and discover the record button. And here’s the result.

The song (if you want to call it a song) is called Hitmen and I originally wrote it for a radio show I was planning to do with two of my friends: Paul and Daan. The show never happened, but I did jot down a few themes and this is one of them. The name Hitman refers to the item in the show where we would be looking for new talent, which made us talent snipers… “Hitman”. Thus, a reference to Monty Norman’s James Bond Theme (no, it wasn’t John Barry) could not be left out.

That brings me to the new toy: the Spector, a birthday present from my sweetheart (I love you, honey bunny). Apart from the fact that it’s a great bass to play on (it handles real well, especially when you’re a guitar player), I love the sound. It’s pretty bright and in your face and doesn’t drown in a pool of muddy and greasy “unter tones”. Since I’m only pretending to be a bass player, please permit me to use a pick, which I did on Hitmen. Actually, on Hitmen a bass without a pick is like James Bond without a gun.